Author Archives: Maliyka A. Muhammad, MA, MPH

Children without being married: The blame game

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imageIt’s been a minute but I don’t have time for real pleasantries. So “Hey folks,” let’s dive right in.

I am in a #hotepnegro filled group and this question was:
“Unmarried fathers: why didn’t you marry your child’s mother?”

The amount of bullshit answers that was received is hilarious. Now mind you, this is a group where the HOTEP Negro men love to dissect BW thoroughly and in such a derogatory way. This is the same group where some of the men lacked adequate testosterone to engage in dialogue without calling me derogatory names. Very few have answered the question. The majority of those that gave an answer, gave the most asinine and unintelligent answers. Somehow they found a way to blame the black woman. I find it interesting that we as black women are the cause for every bit of failure that happens in this society and BM have none. Check out some of these responses:

“You might not get a lot of responses on this one.”

“Because they knew she was a jump-0ff/hoe. Which, equals non-marriage material. I was married almost 12 yrs to my soon to be ex. This would be my answer if I was in their shoes.”

“Maybe it is as a simple as he is not financially stable….”

“I know just as many women who like sex. I bet the majority of females in here pontificating has partook in the pre-marital bliss before saying “I do”. I however, do not condone unprotected sex.”

“I don’t have any kids but I can only guess its because marriage is a commitment, fucking you is not…..and before yall say what about kids, how many single mothers you knw?” To be fair the author of this comment engaged in amazing dialogue and was able to come to an agreement that both sexes just don’t take responsibility.

“Sometimes people don’t marry because it would cut off benefits.”

“Because the majority of baby mommas didn’t want to be married in the first place, but gave off that impression to a good man, just to have a child, and then ran him off! and then she went and tried to marry a deadbeat and put the child around his loser self!”
Those were just some of the comments. There were more that just blew my mind away. It amazes me how many folks live in glass houses yet love to throw stones. Here’s a reality, children involve an egg and a sperm. Having sex is one way that the two can meet. Regardless of whether you are engaging in protected sex or not be it condoms or birth control or even the rhythm method there is always a possibility that conception might occur. Actually the way sperm are programmed, they are fighting for conception. Women release on average one egg whereas, when a man ejaculates that hundreds of making baby driven sperm that are released. It takes two to procreate. The moment you (male) laid down with her you accepted the possibility that you could impregnate her. While your intentions may have been to just get your rocks off, the fact is that you opened the door for a baby and whatever else this woman may want of you. The same goes for women. Stop operating on assumptions. Yes, he want to have sex with you. Yes sex can result in procreation. It doesn’t mean that procreation will equal marriage. Stop allowing the opportunity for good penis to cloud your judgement.

In short…. If you smashing know that 1+1 most definitely equals 2. This doesn’t make me a feminist. That makes me a REAList.

In health,

Maliyka

Colloquy: National Die-In

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#blacklivesmatter…that should be foremost in everyone’s mind, especially black people’s. Not to discredit the Latino culture however, the time has come to accept that you too are a child of the African diaspora known as Mother Africa. There’s a war surrounding us and we who’s heritage no matter how distant it may be are the target. Just think how much stronger we might be if together we fought against the injustices that strike at us each day. Pretty powerful I say. Pretty powerful you know.

Breast Feeding and mental illness

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While I am not a mother or even sure that I want to be one, I realizes the importance of breastfeeding and the implications that mental illness may have on a mother’s ability to do so. I have seen mental illness up close and personal when it comes to motherhood. For years, I always wondered how my mother dealt with being a mother and postpartum depression. I finally got a chance to find out how she death with mental illness, mothering and breast-feeding. You can read my mother’s story here.  After you finish reading my mother’s story make sure to read the other black mother’s stories about how having a mental illness affected their ablity to breastfeed.

In health,

Maliyka

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME: PRAYERS FOR US

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Today marks my 34th year and I know I am blessed. After all, I am here. While feeling eternally grateful that God chose to let me close out one year and begin another, I’m a bit sad. Not because God didn’t grant others the same. Rather, I’m saddened at the manner in which their lives were ended. Over the past few days, I’ve been following the happenings of #Ferguson. I’ve shed the tears and I’ve gotten angry even though I have no real energy anymore to do so anymore. I’ve read the articles acknowledging that, “America is not for Blacks.” I’ve acknowledged that too. It’s really not.

Y’all go ahead and keep thinking that all of the laws, which affords us some rights were put in place because we were on their mind. Trust and believe that if they could, they would have it so that we can’t benefit. At least other countries are open about their caste system and the lesser folks know that they won’t benefit from anything. We the only ones who sing kumbaya and think they’re thinking of us.

I’ve had the heavy twitter discussions. I’ve used twitter to call out and question elected officials. Most of all, I’ve prayed.

I’ve prayed for the protection of my family, friends, even my enemy. Michael Brown is just one more name to add to the never ending names of people who were killed by the people who are charged with protecting us…serving us.  If we are honest, that’s the biggest problem. These are the people who are paid to protect us, killing us!

 

There’s no question that people like myself, hate that those among us are killing ourselves. We question why. The answer is quite simple and rather than debating on the whys, those of us who can need to do more. The psychological effects of slavery years later are still present. We expect those who don’t even love themselves, to love someone else. It’s impossible. Love is an emotion that’s learned. Love is reciprocated. Slavery ended over 100 years ago and the Civil Rights only 50 years ago, yet the damage done during that period is still present. Many of us are a people who never learned how to value ourselves and were constantly told that we were not worth any value. The self-hatred that we display evidences this. However, that still does not negate that those who are charged to protect us from even ourselves can’t be trusted to do so. How are we supposed to feel safe when we can’t even expect that?

President Obama called for reflections after Michael Brown’s murder. I disagree. We don’t need to reflect. We reflected when Medgar was killed. When Malcolm…Martin…Shu’aib…Sean…Trayvon… Oscar…Jordan…….were all killed. The time for reflection is over. We need ACTION…JUSTICE…ANSWERS…A PLAN. We don’t need another petition….rally,  rather we need legislation…laws…punishment to end this era of being unsafe from the people who should be taking care of us. We need to hold our elected officials accountable for their failure to stand by us…for us when it comes to ensuring that we are protected…made to feel safe.

Today, as I celebrate my birthday I will be reflecting on what more I can do to ensure that future generations do not live in fear of not just the people in their hoods killing but the police as well. While I will not be present physically at the vigil for the National Moment of Silence today at 7 pm today, I will be taking a moment to be silent in memory of all of the men and women, boys and girls who were gunned down and treated as if they never mattered. Today I say prayers for all people of color that one day they may be able to interact with all no matter their color and not be afraid. I say a prayer for all of the mothers and fathers who have buried their children as a result of a senseless death. I say a prayer for those who are childless, yet want to children but live in fear of birthing a child to the madness of the world. I say a prayer for peace…harmony…fairness… happiness…love…justice. I just PRAY!!!

Words of wisdom: “Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them, and these will continue till they are resisted with either words or blows, or both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress.” -Frederick Douglass

In Health,

Maliyka

Father’s Day: What I Loved And What I Hated

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FATHER'S DAY PIC

Over a week ago I posted, “Growing-up Fatherless: My Father’s Day Wish.” I decided to do this before Father’s Day because I wanted Father’s Day to be about what it should be about…honoring involved Fathers. Yesterday, I honored two most important Father Figures in my life, my paternal grandfather and my cousin who I lovingly refer to as Daddy. I enjoyed seeing other post of people with their fathers/father figures. I got sad at seeing statuses where people’s story was similar to mine. I became angry when I saw more memes telling women that the day isn’t their’s than women actually claiming the day. I became even angrier when rather than blaming deadbeat fathers for being deadbeats people blamed the mothers for choosing no good men. I calmed down and became re-agitated when I read, “Father’s Day Is Not For Single Mothers.” Then I got sad all over again and I realized that in this patriarchal society, no matter how far we’ve come women will always be last.

Yes, it’s sometimes true. Women could have done a better job at choosing fathers for their children. The same can be said for men choosing mothers for their children. The big elephant in the room that many fail to discuss is that, some women prayed for a good mate. When who they thought was a good man came along they got married and had children only to later find out that he was a sheep in wolves clothing. Why does she have to take accountability for his inactions? Why do women have to continuously be blamed for everything? While I agree that single mothers need not ask for accolades on this day, I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed because rather than telling women that they don’t deserve to be honored on that day they should be telling these dead beat dads that they don’t deserve to be honored either.

I find it amazing that any other day that we honor something, we have no qualms about calling out those that complicate the issue. Parent’s that don’t vaccinate their children are called out for the detriment they are causing society. Failing to protect yourself and your partner are addressed on World AIDS Day along with every other AIDS day. Cancer Awareness month we urge folks to get tested if not for themselves, for their families. Yet on Father’s Day or for that matter Mother’s Day we fail to address the negative issues and I am not talking about women claiming Father’s Day either. I saw more it’s not your day and don’t claim it than I saw women actually claiming it. I saw more post blaming these single mothers for their child’s father being deadbeat. As a child of a deadbeat father who continues to have children and a mother who gave her ALL for us and did not intentionally choose a jackass for our father. He lied and lied good. By the time she realized he had children it was too late. I know A LOT of women with that story. The reality is that sometimes people are just that good at showing their representatives. I mean REALLY GOOD!!! No they are not fathers. Yes they are doing it own their own. No they don’t deserve to be disrespected by comments such as the ones that I saw yesterday.

So here’s my thinking….on Father’s Day rather than reprimanding women for trying to take the day, reprimand the men who fail their children and put their children’s mothers in the single parent predicament. On Mother’s Day, the same is admonishment is fair. Quiet as it is kept, there are A LOT of father’s who share a child with a deadbeat mom. These women are not absolved from their failure. Nor are mothers who allow their bitterness over a dissolved relationship to get in the way of their child’s father from being involved. Both are despicable and deserve to be called out.  How about the same men who admonish that women need not be acknowledged on Father’s Day applaud the women who in spite of relationship statuses go above and beyond to ensure that their child has a relationship with them. How about those men admonish the fathers who were invited to be a part of their children’s lives but continuously broke their heart by not showing up.

This Father’s Day, I can count on one hand the amount of men who actually called out other men who fail their children. Who continue to fail their children. Who upon their death would’ve failed their children. Next Father’s Days and Mother’s Day let’s do better. Let’s place blame where blame belongs. Let’s do our part and speak out what really needs to be changed. Let’s continue to champion good parents on these days and speak-out against all those who sully title.

Words of wisdom: If you are not a part of the solution, you are a part of the problem.

In health,

Maliyka

GROWING-UP FATHERLESS: MY FATHER’S DAY WISH

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growingupfatherlessAfter reading my Booskie Carrie Pink’s heartfelt Mother’s Day post, I knew that I had to tell my story. Her story, which you can read here, was absolutely poignant and raw. Every day, I thank God for the woman who birthed me and nurtured me, as well as the woman who came along later in life and nurtured me. I am who I am because God placed these two women in my life. Unfortunately, the father, who is very much alive, was absent.

This past year, after sacrificing and getting sick, I realized that the man who gifted me as a daughter was truly unworthy. Some may want to keep secrets, but I realized that it is a secret that I no longer choose to keep. After reading the SBM post on Madame Noire, which can be read here, I realized that by not saying anything, we enable these men, including my own father, to continue doing what they do: Have babies and fail to take care of them. While I stay far away from the belief that this is what Black men do, there is no question that this is what some males do. As a matter of fact, the CDC recently released data that showed that compared to White and Latino fathers, Black fathers are heavily involved in their child’s lives.

Credit: Los Angeles Times

Credit: Los Angeles Times

Unfortunately, my father does not fall into the involved category. Rather, my father is as absent as one whose father is deceased. The irony is that he is very much alive and involved in the community at large. Somewhere along the way, he forgot that charity starts at home. My father has been blessed with 14 children. While I will not speak for them, I am confident in saying that the legacy that he will leave behind is not one that any man should be happy leaving behind.

They say sons need their fathers. The truth is…so do daughters. A father is supposed to be the number 1 man in his daughter’s life, which shows her what she is worth to a man. He is her protector. Her role model. Her champion. He is her dad.

I am comfortable and confident when I speak for all “Fatherless Children” when I say that I agree that at some point, men who fail to handle their responsibility for the gifts that God granted them, children, should not be allowed to have anymore. Some may complain about their rights being taken away, but what about the rights of the children they father. What happens to them when they grow up without a father who is right there? At what point will the enabling end? At what point will words of forgiveness stop be bandied about? At what point will those that refuse to acknowledge that they, too, have been affected by the absence of their father admit the truth, if only to themselves?

Here is to the men who, from the day they knew they were going to be fathers and stepped up and continue to stay in the active fatherhood lane. Words cannot express how happy this makes me. Children are a gift and should be cherished. They are not pawns or tools for advancement. If you are that father who realized this and lives the realities of fatherhood daily, I salute you not just on Father’s Day but every day. My wish is for all men who have been gifted to realize that their role in a child’s life is everlasting. Here is to the man who has stepped in and become my Daddy. My life, while still scarred from my real father’s absence, is just that much happier. I love you, daddy.

daddy and I

While I probably never wish my biological father a Happy Father’s Day, I am fortunate to know some great men. There will always be that little girl inside of me who wants my father to be my father in action and not name only. A part of me knows that no matter how old or successful I become, there will always be a piece of me that will not be whole. Even still, I wish peace and harmony for the man who shared his essence to create me. Maybe one day, he will see just how his action hurt. In the meantime, I will salute those men who continue to be fathers in words and actions and speak out against all those who forgot that God gave them a precious gift when He bestowed a child upon them

Words of Wisdom: It is much easier to become a father than to be one. ~Kent Nerburn, Letters to My Son: Reflections on Becoming a Man, 1994

In Health,

Maliyka

P.S. Stay tuned to the “Growing-up Fatherless” Project that myself and two other fatherless children will be debuting. It’s time to celebrate good fathers, ostracize bad ones, and empower the children that suffer from the decisions made.

Post Partum Depression: The denied mental health issue

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ppd

Photo Courtesy of thefeministwire.com

Ebony Wilkerson’s story, or rather the many responses to her actions, hit a nerve and was the reason behind a mini rant on Twitter.

You see, I have seen post-partum psychosis up close and in person. In case you did not know, it is not pretty.   I was 12 years old, and that person was my mother. She had just had her sixth child nine months ago. It was a scene from a horror story. I will never forget what it looked or smelled like. I worry that I, too, may suffer from a similar fate. That is why I speak out for those women who do not have a voice to speak for themselves. Post-partum depression is real. It is not made up any more than PMS is made up.

Just what is post-partum depression? According to PubMed Health, post-partum depression is defined as, “Moderate to severe depression in a woman after she has given birth. It may occur soon after delivery or up to a year later. Most of the time, it occurs within the first 3 months after delivery.” Like any other medical condition, if post-partum depression is left untreated, it can last for months or years. That’s where stories like Ebony’s come in at. From all accounts, it seems, that Ebony actually suffered from post-partum psychosis, which is far more severe than post-partum depression.  According to WebMD, post-partum psychosis, “Is a rare, severe, and dangerous form of postpartum depression that can suddenly occur within the first 3 weeks following childbirth. A woman who has post-partum psychosis may feel detached from her baby and other people. Or she may have hallucinations involving smell, touch, sight, or hearing. She may have thoughts not based in reality (delusions), display bizarre behavior, or have urges to kill herself and her child or children.”

There is no question that Ebony needs help. There is no question that, her children need to be removed from her care. There is a question of whether she should be treated like a common criminal. While there are plenty of cases of women killing their children and not being mentally ill, mental illness does exist and should be taken into account. Most like to use the argument that pedophilia is a mental disorder too. What many fail to realize is that, in order to be diagnosed with a paraphilic diagnosis, one must meet certain criteria. As per the DSM-V, the criteria are:

  • feel personal distress about their interest, not merely distress resulting from society’s disapproval;

or

  •  have a sexual desire or behavior that involves another person’s psychological distress, injury, or death, or a desire for sexual behaviors involving unwilling persons or persons unable to give legal consent.

Many do not know this, but, in truth, most people who have atypical sexual interests do not have a mental disorder. Rather, it is a perverse and willing choice that engage in such acts. To compare these people to women who genuinely have psychiatric issues is inhumane.

While my mother did not hurt her children, she hurt herself. Every time I smell a certain smell, I have flashbacks to when she hurt herself. I will never forget that lost look in her eyes. I pray that one day I, too, don’t walk around with that same lost look. Like so many other mental health issues, incarceration is not the answer. Rather, it is the problem. As filled as prisons are today, there is no way that the mentally ill will get the care that they really need. Rather, the deplorable conditions only make the conditions worse. No one wants to have cancer. To think that someone would want to be mentally ill is ignorant beyond words.

Let us not judge, or we shall be judged. If indeed Ebony is not ill, then I say, carry out punishment to the fullest extent of the law. However, let us make sure that’s the case. Shame on those who have disorders such as bipolar or schizophrenia and, because of medication, are functionally judging this woman. Your road is not the same as hers. Shame on society for not accepting that those mental disorders that only affect women are real and not some made-up figment of our imagination. Shame on the government for not doing more. Congrats to the person who decided that they should do more and created this White House Petition. Hopefully, you will do as I did and sign. We owe it to ourselves as women to protect ourselves before our right is taken from us.

If you or someone you know is suffering from post-partum depression/psychosis, please advocate for treatment and contact these sources if you need help:

Words of Wisdom:

In health,

Maliyka

The sexualization of the black woman

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I did not intend to post today; rather I was going to wait until tomorrow. But then I read something that made me so agitated that I couldn’t put off writing today and ran to my computer to pound away my angry words.

While surfing Facebook, I came across a post by my Soror, Dr. Katrina Sparks shouting out another Soror, Anowa Adjah. I myself had shared the post when it came out but I had no idea that it was my Soror. Soror Adjah was featured on the Facebook page belonging to www.blackdoctors.org. Keeping it real, Soror Adjah looks amazing. She looks so amazing that it is hard to believe that she is over 200lbs. So what is the problem? The problem is some of the responses that Soror Sparks post garnered.

This is the picture used SororAdjah

And here is the responses to said picture by a man who shall remain nameless, photo

Although, that response had me seeing red I calmly asked. “Who is she teasing?” His ignorant response was

photo (1)

He went on to say more gibberish but I stopped reading and started getting angrier and angrier. As a black woman, it always amazes me how our bodies continuously sexualized even when we are not trying to be sexy. Here is a beautiful black woman showing the world that you can be 200+ pounds and still have a FANTABULOUS body yet, all this man could conceive is that she was trying to “tease” the masses. Blackdoctors.org, used Soror Adjah  to promote their article, While I did not get a chance to ask this man personally, I do wonder whether he would have had the same commentary had she been a “white woman” in any of the countless fitness magazines. I mean let us look at Tara, editor-in-chief of Shape Magazine and her bikini pose.

tara

Is she teasing people too? Or is she showcasing a body that with hard work and perseverance can be had by some woman too? Repeatedly blackwomen are sexualized through no fault of their own. Even when we are at our worse, or what we think is our worse we are being catcalled. What makes these comments cause me to burn even more is that the commenter is a man of color. Is it not enough that we are objectified by “white america?” Do we have to be objectified by “black america” too?

It is this type of behavior that continues to perpetuate “white privilege” and all that comes along with it. We criticize our own race for the same things that “white america” gets away with. I for one am tired of it. I am tired of being sexualized. I am tired of being objectified. I am tired of hearing statements like, “You should know I liked you…don’t you see your lips and breast.” I am tired of it all. Yes, I look sexy. Yes, I appreciate compliments but there is a way it can be done where I do not feel guilty for looking sexy. It is not elaborate. It is not complicated. It is actually quite simple.

Blackdoctors.org had a reason for displaying Soror Adjah the way they did. They were not trying to display how sexy she was she really is. Rather they were proving a point…ditch the scales because sometimes it interferes with one’s weight loss goals. You can check out that post here.  I salute my Soror  for just having twin boys and maintaining a fabulous body. I want that body and I will be doing my damnest to get it. Check out her blog to see how you too can get that body. Here is to being healthy and being able to display that healthy, sexy body without being called a tease.

Words of wisdom: Women who love themselves are threatening; but men who love real women, more so.” ~Naoimi Wolf

In health,

Maliyka

 Pictures courtesy of:

http://www.shape.com

www.blackdoctors.org

Dr. Katrina Sparks

Lessons of a woman and the New Year

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audre-lorde Without going into specifics I am going to stand up and say I have had my heart-broken. Looking back, even when I thought that I had surpassed the age of being young, dumb and full of c*m I really wasn’t. Here’s the thing though, after getting irrefutable proof  had whispers of truth but I wasn’t listening because I placed myself on a higher pedestal than he had placed me and believed him when he said no I took back my life and disregarded his low pedestal placement of me. Rather, I placed myself higher than what he had deemed I deserved and moved on. Out of that situation, I learned a few things.

  1.  There really are good men out there. Yes that heartbreaker was an a**hole but through it all, I was lucky enough to have a few “good” men in my corner who pointed out his “wrongness” and mine too. They broke down the science of the situation and gave me the courage to keep it moving. 
  2.  Intuition is God whispering to you…listen. Stop waiting for him to scream. It hurts more. Now keep in mind that sometimes that intuition can be based off of your own insecurities. That’s something that only you will know. 
  3.  Women are the root of all things related to male bullsh*t. That’s right I said it, and I will stand by my proclamation. More times than not, we women choose to make excuses for our men folks and the foolery that they do. We tend to turn a blind eye and and not blame them rather we blame the other woman or some other inconsequential factor. Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes the other woman deserves the blame. More often than not, she is just as much a victim as you are. Women are cruelest to each other and men have capitalized on that fact.

 While I am no relationship guru, I do know that the grass is not greener on the other side. I say with experience, stop settling for bullsh*t. I get that at some point we all settle for something. It’s not a matter of settling. Rather it’s choosing what to settle for. Too often, we are settling for things like money or someone to pardon our eggs on their death march that we forget our own worth. Contrary to the word on the street, money cannot buy you happiness. It does buy you false security. Eff what you heard and trust that just about everyone who has settled for bullsh*t has those hours in the dark of night when she sheds a tear for the whore that she has allowed herself to come all for the sake of the all american dream; a husband, which picket fence and 2.5 kids.

Now I respect that for many, my  definition of bullsh*t is different from theirs but I am sure most will agree that dealing with someone who doesn’t respect you is bullsh*t. No relationships are not easy and sometimes there will be bullsh*t. I am not talking about the bullsh*t where all he does is work and watch sports. Or the kind where he never saw a broom or a mop. Or even the one where he leaves the toilet seat up and toothpaste in the sink. Stop and think for a minute. You know what bullsh*t I refer to. I am talking about where he is cheating on you and and not call him out and make him accountable you cover his faults and make excuses. I am talking about the bullsh*t where is hand is constantly touching you in a harmful way. I am talking about the bullsh*t where he has you thinking that you are not smarter than a 5th grader. I am talking about the bullsh*t where you continue to act like his side piece when you know that he is never leaving his front piece. Yeah that’s the bullsh*t I am talking about.  

Today, is a new day. There is no need to “Act like a lady, and think like a man.” As matter of fact, stop trying. It is impossible. They really are from Mars. What you can do and should do is know your self-worth. Know and own up to it. You are deserving of someone who will treat you like a Queen and honor you . No one wants to be alone. I get it. But sometimes being together with someone is detrimental to your soul. At the end of the day, all of this here on earth will disappear. Your goal should be the riches of the afterlife where the bullsh*t of the world will be light years away. So on this new day in this new year, I wish you all strength and prosperity. I wish you serenity. The ability to make change. I wish you happiness and peace. Most of all, I wish you the ability to love yourself before loving someone else. I urge you to walk forward in the new year not with a resolution but a determination to succeed in this game called life. Stay beautiful. Stay bright. Most of all…stay well.  It;s a jungle out there and sometimes it will take you under.

Words of wisdom: “Ladies let me give you some advice: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as “deserving” respect; you get what you demand from people.” Tucker Max

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Picture Courtesy of: Bing Image

My relationship with R. Kelly’s Music

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ImageR. Kelly and I go back. I am talking about “Born into to 90’s” and popular song, “Slow Dance” back. That was 1992. I was 12. I am now 33 almost 34. Over the years, I have been an avid listener of R. Buying his albums and/or specific songs here and there. Over the years, I heard about the allegations that R. had a problem. A criminal problem. One that revolved around him dealing with underage girls. I remember the media coverage (what little there was) of his marriage to Aaliyah my middle name. When the infamous sex tape dropped, I remember crowding in one of my college classmate’s rooms and watching. It was gross, yet I watched and then filed it away.

The day his newest album dropped, Twitter went HAM with the hashtag that he started, #ASKRKELLY. Soon after, article/blog post started hitting the airwaves pointing/questioning the masses that supported and continue to support R. I too found myself asking the same question and even participated in some brief dialogue on Facebook, which can be read here and here. Hear me when I say this, I DO NOT SUPPORT ROBERT SYLVESTER KELLY’S DISPICABLE BEHAVIORS. Nothing about his crimes against young girls is acceptable. However, after reading Jamilah Lemieux post this morning on Ebony, I realized this:

The psychology of it though is that people learn how to disassociate from the things about a person that bother them and accept the rest. We do it every day. Some more than others. It is a coping mechanism.

Deep down, even R. Kelly Stans have admitted that R. is a PIG! He has destroyed many a young girl’s lives. His behavior is unacceptable. However, when we live in a world where every time we open our eyes there is some ugliness permeating the year we choose what we want to deal with. Say what you want, “Step in the name of Love” is a damn good song. I love stepping to it. And I definitely can relate to what he says on “When a man lies to a woman.” What woman who has been lied to by a man can’t. However, in retrospect by supporting him, are we really helping him come to terms with the fact that he has a problem? Or are we continually perpetuating his bad behavior? True, who are we to judge. But who are we to not judge? *Raises Hand* I disassociated myself from many of R. Kelly’s actions. The irony… I have been victimized. I had a part of my innocence stolen. I thank God, that videotaping wasn’t big. i don’t need any visual reminders.  One mayask how it is that, I can listen to a man who has perfected the art of victimization. My only response…I do not address that part of his life. I listen to his music the same way that I deal with my abuser… I dissociate. Years later, doing just that has allowed me to cope. That and giving it to God.  

After much thought, I have come to terms with the fact that I am indeed a part of the problem. Everytime, I buy his music I am supporting his financial ability to continue victimizing young girls. As a former victim, I can no longer do that. R. Kelly is at the helm of a lot of positive moments in my life and for that I thank him and his efforts. While I won’t forget those positive moments or stop listening to those songs associated with those positive moments, I will not be buying”Black Panties,” or subsequent music from him. At some point even if it hurts, one must take a stand. While I won’t condemn others for not taking the same stand, I do say ask yourself, “What if I was his victim?”I will continue to empower young girls (and boys) to respect themselves. I remember what it felt like when an older man paid attention to all of my curves. Luckily, in spite of my victimization I have always been conscious of how far I put myself out there when it came to the opposite sex. My mother made sure to remind me how beautiful I was and I did not need some man to reaffirm that. Unfortunately, some of these victims do not have that. I will continue to speak out against R. Kelly’s along with all other guilty parties crimes against women. Moreover, while I occasionally will play some of his in better taste music, I will not buy anymore. I aim to be a part of the solution not the problem

Words of Wisdom:

“I have learned this: it is not what one does that is wrong, but what one becomes as a consequence of it.”  -Oscar Wilde
 
In health,
Maliyka

 

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