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Lessons of a woman and the New Year

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audre-lorde Without going into specifics I am going to stand up and say I have had my heart-broken. Looking back, even when I thought that I had surpassed the age of being young, dumb and full of c*m I really wasn’t. Here’s the thing though, after getting irrefutable proof  had whispers of truth but I wasn’t listening because I placed myself on a higher pedestal than he had placed me and believed him when he said no I took back my life and disregarded his low pedestal placement of me. Rather, I placed myself higher than what he had deemed I deserved and moved on. Out of that situation, I learned a few things.

  1.  There really are good men out there. Yes that heartbreaker was an a**hole but through it all, I was lucky enough to have a few “good” men in my corner who pointed out his “wrongness” and mine too. They broke down the science of the situation and gave me the courage to keep it moving. 
  2.  Intuition is God whispering to you…listen. Stop waiting for him to scream. It hurts more. Now keep in mind that sometimes that intuition can be based off of your own insecurities. That’s something that only you will know. 
  3.  Women are the root of all things related to male bullsh*t. That’s right I said it, and I will stand by my proclamation. More times than not, we women choose to make excuses for our men folks and the foolery that they do. We tend to turn a blind eye and and not blame them rather we blame the other woman or some other inconsequential factor. Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes the other woman deserves the blame. More often than not, she is just as much a victim as you are. Women are cruelest to each other and men have capitalized on that fact.

 While I am no relationship guru, I do know that the grass is not greener on the other side. I say with experience, stop settling for bullsh*t. I get that at some point we all settle for something. It’s not a matter of settling. Rather it’s choosing what to settle for. Too often, we are settling for things like money or someone to pardon our eggs on their death march that we forget our own worth. Contrary to the word on the street, money cannot buy you happiness. It does buy you false security. Eff what you heard and trust that just about everyone who has settled for bullsh*t has those hours in the dark of night when she sheds a tear for the whore that she has allowed herself to come all for the sake of the all american dream; a husband, which picket fence and 2.5 kids.

Now I respect that for many, my  definition of bullsh*t is different from theirs but I am sure most will agree that dealing with someone who doesn’t respect you is bullsh*t. No relationships are not easy and sometimes there will be bullsh*t. I am not talking about the bullsh*t where all he does is work and watch sports. Or the kind where he never saw a broom or a mop. Or even the one where he leaves the toilet seat up and toothpaste in the sink. Stop and think for a minute. You know what bullsh*t I refer to. I am talking about where he is cheating on you and and not call him out and make him accountable you cover his faults and make excuses. I am talking about the bullsh*t where is hand is constantly touching you in a harmful way. I am talking about the bullsh*t where he has you thinking that you are not smarter than a 5th grader. I am talking about the bullsh*t where you continue to act like his side piece when you know that he is never leaving his front piece. Yeah that’s the bullsh*t I am talking about.  

Today, is a new day. There is no need to “Act like a lady, and think like a man.” As matter of fact, stop trying. It is impossible. They really are from Mars. What you can do and should do is know your self-worth. Know and own up to it. You are deserving of someone who will treat you like a Queen and honor you . No one wants to be alone. I get it. But sometimes being together with someone is detrimental to your soul. At the end of the day, all of this here on earth will disappear. Your goal should be the riches of the afterlife where the bullsh*t of the world will be light years away. So on this new day in this new year, I wish you all strength and prosperity. I wish you serenity. The ability to make change. I wish you happiness and peace. Most of all, I wish you the ability to love yourself before loving someone else. I urge you to walk forward in the new year not with a resolution but a determination to succeed in this game called life. Stay beautiful. Stay bright. Most of all…stay well.  It;s a jungle out there and sometimes it will take you under.

Words of wisdom: “Ladies let me give you some advice: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as “deserving” respect; you get what you demand from people.” Tucker Max

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Picture Courtesy of: Bing Image

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What every man should know about the menstrual cycle

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First off, I am so sorry for the union tended hiatus. When I Sid that I may not blog everyday, I didn’t mean this. Ever since Hurricane Sandy my life has been on fast forward. While sitting in a business meeting yesterday my log came up and I realized that I hadn’t put fingers to keyboard in two months. Laying in my bed unable to fall ack asleep I figured I ought to remedy that. So here I stand and go figure on a day that I have yet to post a blog for.

When I started this blog, I coined Thursday as “Man-up Thursday”. Now the sensitive man or the liberal woman might think that I am trying to insult the male race and call into question their manhood. That is not the case at all. Honestly, it just sounded good. Today is the one day that I will talk about issues specific to men. So worry not men…man-up.

I am sure every woman will agree when I say that, men confuse me. I swear sometimes I think that they are eternally two years old. At 30+ years old I expect a man to know certain things. That includes the basic mechanics when it comes to a woman….the woman they are sleeping with regularly…menstrual cycle. It is appalling how many men don’t grasp it and have the balls, pun intended to rely on the woman to be diligent. What the hayle…I am tired and I am sure my fellow womenfolk are too.

Years ago, I told one of my brothers that they should know their partner’s cycle as well as their partner. It’s not rocket science and with today’s technology it’s easier than ever. But because y’all menfolk are special, I am going to give you the gift of free information. In a nutshell, I am taking away your cough EXCUSES.

First off, the proper word to describe that dreadful wrapped in joy monthly occurrence is menstruation. Yes, I know self included that we tend to se the word “period” to describe it but in truth a period is a form of punctuation. On average, a woman’s cycle is 28-days but it can range from 21-35 days in adults. Everyone is really different and even more every month can vary. The 1st day of the cycle begins the day her menstruation starts for any given month.

In the first half of the cycle, levels of estrogen (the “female hormone”) start to rise. Estrogen makes the lining of the uterus (womb) grow and thicken. Concurrently, an egg, or ovum, in one of the ovaries starts to mature. At about day 14 of an average 28-day cycle, the egg leaves the ovary. This is called ovulation. As the egg makes its way through the fallopian tube to the uterus hormone levels rise and help prepare the uterine lining for conception. Conception is more likely to occur during the 3 days before or on the day of ovulation. This is because sperm can live longer than an egg. So if you had intercourse 3 days ago, that sperm is chilling waiting to pounce. It can also happen 1 to 3 days after, based on the same concept. Keep in mind, women with cycles that are shorter or longer than average may ovulate before or after day 14.

A woman becomes pregnant if the egg is fertilized by sperm cell and attaches to the uterine wall. If the egg is not fertilized, it will break apart. Then, hormone levels drop, and the thickened lining of the uterus is shed during the menstrual period. The day before the menstrual engines is the last day of her cycle.

In a 28-day cycle, a woman is typically infertile from day 21 to day 5 of the next cycle. Her fertile day typically starts on day 6 even if she is still menstruating. Please understand that a woman can conceive while she is menstruating.

So you see, it is really not rocket science. While you may not be the one going through the chula body changes you too can take an active role.

Since you menfolks are visual beings, I was able to find the most graphic picture so you could understand the mechanics. I suggest you memorize it. It may save your pickets cause babies are expensive.

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(Photo can be found here)
Well guys that’s all for now. I have 30 minutes before I need to officially get up. I am going to try and take a nap before then. I hope you learned something today. If conception occurred and you didn’t take an active role in preventing it, you have no one to blame but yourself. If you wanted conception to occur…congrats cause your a dad.

In health,
Maliyka is health

Tick Tock: There goes that biological clock

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As the person in charge of my Sorority’s Stork’s Nest I am responsible for facilitating the 1st session. Being a trained community health educator it is a walk in the park for me. Having recently partnered up with Harlem Hospitallocated in none other than Harlem, NY (for those that don’t know that is an area in Manhattan) we recently started our 2nd cohort on September 11th (how ironic). Now every time, I have facilitated a session, an interesting discussion has ensued. This time was no different.

I can proudly say that I am 32 years old. Not trying to brag but I look good. Aside from the weight that I could stand to lose (I’m losing it). My baby face has folks thinking that I am under 30 (not to long ago a woman told me I couldn’t come to a performance at a club because I wasn’t 21) quite often. The thing is, I don’t have any children. In my opinion and that of my mother that is not a bad thing. Coming from *drumroll* a mother who birthed 10 children and me being the oldest I just don’t feel the rush.

As always, when I facilitate the Stork’s Nest session, we talk about the basic things that people need to do while they are pregnant. We also talk about things that they need to look out for as well as what happens at each stage of their pregnancy in terms of development, doctor’s appointments and testing. The 11th was no different in terms of topics covered but the conversation add was enough to add another tick tock to tat dreaded biological clock. During our discussion about test like the amniocentesis I mentioned that unless there was a reason to think that there was a genetic disorder it really isn’t offered to you until you hit 35 years old when you are considered high risk. While discussing this, it came out that I was childless, 32 years old and not planning to have a child for at least 3 years. Doing the math for you, I would be 35 and as one of the women pointed out high risk. She’s right, I would but I am in no rush to move up my schedule.

I am at the age where a lot of my friends have children. This year alone, I have gained so many nieces and nephews via my friends that it’s hilarious. I promise you that I won’t remember any of their birthdays. Without fail, someone always insist that I need to have a child. My response to them is that I am too young. Out of 10 children, my mother only as 2 grandchildren and thankfully, she isn’t pressed for more. There is no question that, one day I do want to have children. I also understand that at 32 years of age having already lost about 90% of my eggs (keep in mind that women are born with all of the eggs that they will ever have) I may have increased difficulty in getting pregnant the longer I wait (ABC News) Honestly though, I am okay with that. Aging a child is a huge step and I know that I am not ready for it. It pisses me off when I ear of mothers throwing their baby in the trash like garbage. Aside from not getting pregnant there are other options. I am not worried that I may have difficulty in getting pregnant. If it is meant to be, it will happen. If not I will adopt. Articles like the one the New York Times put out don’t scare me. My ovaries may look older than my real age but so what. There are already to many people in the world using up resources that are becoming scarce such as water that one less person populating really isn’t a bad thing.

So yeah, after that conversation happened, my clock did tick tock a little louder but I politely hit the snooze button. I refuse to be ruled by the proverbial biological clock. This body belongs to me (God really loaned it to me but you get my point). No one has the right to tell me when I should get pregnant and even when they do I smile and say I am too young to have a baby. After all, I really am.

Today’s Prescription: when it comes to life changing events don’t rush. Granted you are not promised forever but that is not an excuse do things haphazardly. This applies to having children. Family planning is a lost art.

In health,
Maliyka is health